Why Do I Call It BipolarBrave?
I was going to write down what I meant by BipolarBrave, but I’ve come to a place where I’m questioning that. I was going to say it’s brave to talk about it, and brave to have gone through bipolar disorder episodes. That’s the initial thoughts I’ve had. And then there’s the alternate to consider. And I went there.
I’m certain that “perfect love casts out fear.” But I’m also certain that I feel like this fear is encroaching upon me again. The thought of being symptom-free and thriving with bipolar disorder is a reality to me now, and it’s clear as the day is long. But then when day turns to night, what will I say then? Symptoms may return and ravage my mind. So how can I call this brave?
I don’t consider it all that brave to talk about bipolar disorder. I take blogging and talking about this for granted. However, I can describe my particular relationship to bipolar disorder as characteristic of that poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, There Was a Little Girl:
How horrid this severe brain-based disorder can be. I seem to have forgotten that I’m no better than the next bipolar person. What a lie I’m living if I can’t identify with others. I’m not ashamed that I have found the right dosage of medication and have God to thank for it, but I am ashamed that I have been believing for a while now that I am “healed” and practically cured of it, all because I don’t have symptoms or side effects.
Who am I kidding? I can’t overcome this. I’ve been thinking I’m so “brave” to have a blog that revolves around my so-called life with bipolar disorder. But if I am bipolar, one day the symptoms will return. I pray that I can function that day, and gather the courage to reckon with all the symptoms I had at one time laughed in the face of. Where will I go when paranoia strikes? What will I do if I’m overcome with mania…or worse yet, psychosis?
I’m not better than bipolar.
I’m simply going to have to be braver.
9 Comments
BeckiesMentalMess.wordpress.com
Reblogged this on Beckie's Mental Mess and commented:
Fantastic post by a fairly new blogger “Bipolar Brave” – Let’s welcome her to the community and show her our support.
ashleyleia
Maybe brave is carrying on knowing that the illness may be hibernating but it never truly goes away.
Katie R. Dale
Ashley – well said.
Upon Being Healthy
I feel like this all the time. My down cycles are more and more these days with one blow or another. Perhaps just getting through this is brave? I don’t know. I will have to remember when I’m living free.
Katie R. Dale
You’re definitely brave to be honest and transparent about it! Keep holding on, life is worth it.
Upon Being Healthy
Thank you. I don’t think I could ever hurt myself (I’m too chicken) but I hate thinking about wishing it would all go away.
I’ve started praying again, especially when I feel the darkness creeping in. I’m hanging on to my prayers because I’ve tried hanging onto myself and that’s not working. I’ve been mad at God and that doesn’t do anything lol. So it’s prayer and talking to my husband.
Katie R. Dale
Those are really good coping skills to have in your toolbox. Have you considered medication to help?
Upon Being Healthy
Oh I’ve been on meds for years. The last two years have been pretty bad work-wise. Really, really bad. I’m trying to change my situation but it’s taking longer than I like lol
Katie R. Dale
It sounds as though your situation is unhealthy, and it’s contributing to your frame of mind. I know situations in life can weigh us down and if we’re not careful or prudent we let them wear us out. That’s when boundaries come in handy.