Things I Would Have Done Differently In the Psych Ward

Behind Closed Doors

I remember the days in that maddening season of life that I felt like a prisoner inside a prison, inside a prison. Not only was I locked within my own manic-psychotic mind, I was locked behind the doors of the psych ward. Adding insult to injury, the staff teased and played Jedi mind tricks with me and other patients. But choosing a different response could have given me a different experience and here’s how.

 

Calmed down.

Really. I get how harsh this may sound, especially since when you’re psychotic and cannot reasonably DO anything to save your sanity. But I should have at least tried some coping skills to manage my emotions:

• thinking about my favorite things
• coloring (requesting my husband bring adult coloring books and not children’s like they had)
• listening to my favorite music
• praying with others or by myself
• requesting a simple, straightforward Bible study booklet to follow
• drawing others’ portraits
• starting a comic strip
• writing down all the funny/crazy things people and myself said/did
• making up clean and innocent games to play, like playing card games or name-that-tune

 

Asserted myself.

I wish I’d expressed how I was doing – and not pretended to be okay – to the doctors. I should have been completely upfront with them about my condition and how my perspective was warped. I felt so anxious that, like my knees buckling, I couldn’t help myself.

Instead, I would try to fake my “wellness” when consulting (solo) with the doctor.

I should have thrown off the mask and been real. Real with the doctors, and real with myself. That should have helped me progress to wellness sooner.

 

Cooperated with medication dispersal.

This would have expedited my progress. I refused taking my medication there at different times. I wish they would have actually put me back on what I was prior to my hospitalization.

Had I cooperated and also advocated for myself to return to the previous meds, it would have saved me and the staff a whole lot of trouble and time.

 

Set better boundaries with others.

This is mostly in regard to other patients with domineering and manipulative personalities, but some of the staff were enjoying toying with my head too. I should have avoided spending time and physical proximity with these people.

In hindsight, I would have avoided those that I let manipulate, bully, flirt, troll, and yes, even kiss me.

Better boundaries mean better mental health!

 

Asked more questions.

I would have asked:

• why they didn’t allow me to go to meals with the other patients in the beginning
• why the doctors wouldn’t see me as frequently as others or as I should have been seen
• why they weren’t putting me back on the original medication that had kept me stable for 8 years prior to that, and
• why they changed the schedule so frequently.

Knowing their reasoning behind this could have cleared up a lot of miscommunication and possibly gotten me out sooner.

 

If There Is A Next Time

I will, God-willing, stay on my medication and remain as stable as possible for the rest of my life.

However, if it comes to it and I have for some unforeseen reason gone mad again, I will have to revisit this post and hopefully have enough sense to act as wise as possible. It’s hard to resist the urges to let all inhibitions go in mania and psychosis.

Likewise, a suicidal depression has its honest struggle with reason and logic too.

But for the sake of staying as sane as possible and recovering as best as I can, I hope I can learn from my past decisions and not make the same mistakes again.