Symptom of Psychosis #1: Paranoia

Paranoia is one of a few psychotic symptoms that accompanied my bipolar disorder type I in the worst of my episodes. It always pushed me over the edge of reason, while at times I tried to deny it. It’s hard to hide something you feel so strongly.

Not Crazy…Just Creative

“I’m not crazy, just creative,” I would tell my friends. When I wanted to be seen as “normal” and for some reason I couldn’t shake the feeling like I wasn’t, I batted this one for the team. In other words, when I sensed I wasn’t fitting in, this was my defense.

But the crazy was spoken for. The paranoia part of the crazy came on, and it was real. Although I could install our own home security system all by myself (pretty innovative in some ways), getting that funny feeling that “they” (either the alarm company or the FBI) could hear my random verbal exclamations all day and all night, didn’t sit right with me. I had the assurance that the company was legit, and so it was. I also had…growing suspicions.

Signs of Paranoia

Liken the imagination to a pile of wood that needs a spark to light into a flame. My mind was the wood, the thought that the FBI was tapping the phone lines was a spark, and the growing suspicions were the paranoia growing into a wildfire. Lots of smoke signals should have alerted my family and friends. Like my rambling, long-winded dialogue, or just the way I started to look (my eyes began sinking into my head more…facially, I was showing signs of paranoia!)

Unfortunately, I had the combination of isolation (being home alone), and social media (attention seeking) to throw more fuel on the fire.

The growing suspicions kept my mind alert, especially when the internet and cable went out for “no reason.” As the night before the outage I emailed Bible verses to my husband half-way across the world, into anti-Christian territory, I panicked.

Subtly burrowing into my mind were these variables of uncertainty, while circumstances unfolded and looked like they were revealing to me the “truth” of the situation surrounding me: I was wanted. The feeling of being studied under the microscope continued to escalate.

Many of these fears climaxed at the therapy appointment about one month later. The FBI were actually in the building, one floor below us. (This was the point where I broke down in manic hysteria and sobbed like a baby, convinced I was why they were there – they were out to get me!)

Betrayed By My Mind

My mind betrayed me. I thought I had a handle on reality, but in reality, I had no handle on my thoughts. My mind could not process these growing suspicions, plus lack of meds. it was a recipe for crazy. Paranoia? That was just the beginning.