Lessons Learned in the Loss of Our Son

The past two weeks have come and gone and I’m left changed forever. I’ve learned some large lessons in life in seeing my baby boy Jaxon come into the world and leave in eight days. The love I have for my son and his brief time with my husband and me has left me with such a large paradigm shift, that life is never going to be the same.

In this time, I made a list of lessons and miracles that stood out to me while this crisis unfolded. I hope you’ll read them and enjoy the photos of moments that were so precious to us.

Nothing is wasted in the Kingdom of God…

Although we set our sights on Jaxon getting a miracle and coming home with us, every prayer we prayed for Jaxon was purposeful. We may have asked God, begged God on our knees, pleaded for God to give our son life and restore his brain, and even though the answer was No, God didn’t waste our prayers. Those prayers that went up for Jaxon changed our hearts. We invited close to 1000 people to our Facebook group for Jaxon to lift him up in prayer for a miracle, and many joined in. I am in awe of the believers and non-believers that were willing to turn their hearts toward God and ask God to move. It challenges me to think of others going through crises and having life or death, sickness or tragedy occur, and to pray for them. Even though our baby wasn’t granted a long life on this earth, we know the miracle of the lives touched and changed.

It was a taste of Heaven…

To have people, family and friends we hadn’t spoken to for years reach out was comforting, surprising and like a reunion we never would have dreamed possible any other way. I heard from good friends from my childhood and youth that otherwise wouldn’t have reached out to me. I have rekindled old friendships as they expressed their condolences and sympathies. I feel unworthy, as I have always been a pretty independent person when it came to friendship. Not only did I grow apart from old friends in my past because “life” and such, but I am such a sensitive person it is hard to get emotionally close to others and I haven’t always been the most reliable or faithful friend. This time around I would like to have a chance to redeem those friendships and give to them what they need or could use help with.

Priorities…

On the front door of life and death, witnessing to our family (most importantly to Christ) and to take thought of what’s important in life – put everything in perspective. Life is so fragile! It’s hard to really “seize the day,” be intentional and make the most of life in a mundane schedule. I found my heart beat more fully and I felt more alive in the midst of this crisis. The pain was sharper and stung more, but it kept me fighting and moving forward. We didn’t give up hope, and pointing to Jesus for that hope is crucial in staying humble in such a situation.

God is faithful even when I’m not…

It was beyond myself, and Christ in me enabled me to surrender, because I didn’t have the strength on my own. We were at a place of surrender and trust and acted on our convictions as each turn and bend in the road approached. The temptation to give up was there for me but I knew in the back of my mind others who were believing, praying, interceding for us were holding us up in that moment, standing in the gap as Jesus carried us through.

By losing your life you find it…

We took ourselves out of the equation – did a lot of asking, seeking, knocking, wise counsel, asking questions even not when sure how to word them. Many times we did not know what we were up against, so singing through this time encouraged us, and when we were not sure what to say, we tried to communicate our feelings and thoughts anyway.

Taking cues from others on FB group comments was helpful:

1. 1. A FB group member said “tell him about Jesus” so we read the gospel of John to him
   2. A friend sent a video about speaking God’s word over him, so we read him Psalms
   3. We shared our family and introduced who our loved ones were to him

It was a test of our marriage…

Chris was an oak, planted by streams of water, limbs being moved by the wind, relentless faith and praying, begging, asking for a miracle and peace and glory to God. I was weak, and lacked the capacity to bear this burden. But God was strong! He held us up by His mighty right hand and led us through each day, each hour, and each moment. We dealt with this as best we knew – Chris and I cried together, hugged each other, shared our hearts, opened up, encouraged one another. It was the toughest thing to go through but brought out the best in each of us.

Parenthood/motherhood is fulfilling…

I felt fulfilled and content beyond my wildest imagination taking care of my baby and held the deepest peace I’ve ever had. I loved to sing to Jaxon, whether it was “Jesus Loves Me (You)” or an improvised tune making up the words as I went. He was like a peaceful sleeping baby in my arms, and it brought me such joy to sing my heart out to him and God.

Faith in Action Speaks Louder than Words…

Chris’s example of strength and faith spoke volumes – he never complained, never got angry, was bold and set the tone and environment for praising and singing and praying to God in front of all the people/staff, was appreciative and expressed thanks EVERY time to staff, kept Facebook group updated, and communicated the most powerfully, clearly, tactfully and unashamedly with doctors, staff, Facebook group, family and wife.

Love never gives up…

I admire the love my husband showed for our son, dying in our arms that Tuesday morning. He would never give up, and when I cringed and said, “It’s too much to watch my baby die,” he replied, “But nobody wants to die alone.” It’s true. We bore the burden and exercised longsuffering. My husband loved our son with an unrelenting love and belief that God could do a miracle in our midst. “I’m gonna beg God for a miracle until my baby boy’s last heartbeat.”

Ask “What can I do?” instead of “Why?”…

Looking at the situation, as dire as it was, there wasn’t much we could do to control our son’s wellbeing. We let the NICU nurses and staff do their job and they did with such skill and compassion. We had our basic parenting and care responsibilities given to the staff and so all we were able to do was love on him. We never asked “Why?” as in “Why did this happen to us? Why us?” That is the wrong question to ask, in that it nurtures a victim mentality. Instead, we looked for ways to keep loving on our son and thanked God for the blessing of the NICU in that they were taking care of him when we couldn’t.

A storm will pass but damage remains, and the story continues…

Many people were impacted by our son’s life in the eight days he was with us. Chris and I gave updates and prayer requests daily to the group, and shared videos and pictures of our time with him spent holding him and loving on him. This storm passes, but the hurt and heartbreak has been hard on us and our family. Please continue to pray for healing and comfort for our hearts as we walk out our days remaining on the earth without him.

God answers “no” even with the faith of a mustard seed or greater (we are NOT God)…

I posted this message in the Facebook group early on in the journey:

“We know that Jesus is who He says He is. Not because He can do miracles or signs or wonders. That he can. But because He is WHO He says HE IS.

My son is living, and never going to die. I believe this because Jesus loved him before I even thought of him. But my point is that, God is God and I am not. Yes, we ask and believe and receive the miracle of life. I also know that the Father is a good Father who knows best and is sovereign.

Love is greater than death, we know this full well. I long for you who are reading my post to trust Christ as your lord and savior, you who are reluctant to believe because of circumstances. However this ends up, we are above this and are more than conquerors because we have the love of the Father in us and Christ lives in us.

The body of Christ responds to pain out of love…

The outpouring of love, prayers, wishes and support on our Facebook page, through friends and via phone calls, emails, messages and texts were astounding. I picture it as the body of Christ reacting to a hurt limb or part of the body that is in pain and the rest of the body tries to cover it and protect it. That’s how it was with Jaxon’s life. He wasn’t experiencing any physical pain, but as his family, we were in emotional pain for the suffering we were experiencing as he couldn’t open his eyes, cry or respond voluntarily. The love and comfort from God and the body of believers surrounding us was phenomenal and to us, a miracle.

God will use situations to mold and shape us…

Like the squeezed tube of toothpaste, we show what we’re really made of under this kind of pressure. I believe my past hospitalizations prepared me for the emotional and physical turmoil we went through during this time. Chris was strong and willing to spend all his energy and time with Jaxon, while I had to be willing to let go of self-preservation and emotionally guarding my heart and just love on Jaxon. God was teaching me to not live with any regrets and to make the most of the time with my son to love him. Chris and I were both shaped through this and continue to look to God for the direction and strength in the days ahead. It was a test of character, faith, hope, and love.

Passover and Easter are significant, and so was Jaxon’s life “For such a time as this”…

It was on Palm Sunday that I first asked and the Facebook group that God either give us a miracle or take our son home to Heaven. We never gave up praying and asking for a miracle, but also that God’s will would be done in this. I was able to see God’s love for His own son Jesus through this experience with my son, and his love for us in that too. Having a child is living in a dimension that opens an understanding to know what it is like to love like a parent, like God. As God is our Heavenly Father, we know more intimately now the power and love of a parent. Being it was Eastertime, we could more intentionally and intimately know and experience Jesus’ life and sacrifice in the loss of our son. It also gives us the unwavering hope and strength to know that Jaxon is with our Risen Lord and Savior now, and that nothing, not even death, can separate any of us from God’s love.

God’s promises ring true and louder in the storm…

All the promises of God that we read in the Bible were so much more real and took on such meaning during this time. We learned to apply the truths of His Word to our situation, lifting up our petitions and in turn, having a peace surpassing all understanding (Phil. 4:8), leaning not on our own understanding but acknowledging God and Him making our paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6), seeing this work to the good and for God’s glory (Rom. 8:28), and on and on I could list the verses. Each verse was a marker that guided our path on this broken road. It was the lamp unto our feet and light unto our path (Psalms). How good is our God in giving us His promises? And He kept every one of them. Our miracle? Eight glorious days loving and living with our son, seeing him breathe and his angel face at peace.

Jaxon’s obituary can be viewed here at the funeral home site

We ask that in lieu of flowers, you send donations to the charity we will be setting up in Jaxon’s honor. This will be established and shared by the end of this week. I will update the blog post then on that information.