Confessions of a Passive Truth-Teller

“Tell me, what’s you’re name, Katie?” Embarrassed by the silly question, I gave a raised brow toward the bright-eyed photographer as he snapped away.

That year, 95% of our family photos for our church directory came out with me giving the camera a quirky expression. All because of our photographer’s odd sense of humor, and my awkward inability to assert myself. And respond with a good poker face.

I’m a terrible liar. I have to show my feelings in my face like it’s my job. If I win a game of poker it’s because of dumb luck (literally – I ask how to play and don’t know what I’m doing, and get lucky!)

Maybe one day I’ll be able to curb my passive nature.

Will The Real Me Please Stand Up?

I lack assertiveness, no secret there. Assertiveness is a trait I’ve always been challenged to nurture, as unnatural as it is to me. I think the family photos would have turned out a whole lot better if I had the guts to tell the photographer how ridiculous he sounded, don’t you?

For those who don’t know me well, one of my biggest fears is the fear of confrontation. I will people-please to get out of a spot of conflict, even if it’s disagreeing over something minor like disagreeing over the selection of carpet pattern.

I know it’s “choose your battles wisely,” and if you ask my husband, he’ll tell you I can really get the little battles backward. I’ll disagree with him on minor things, but it seems the bigger the battle, the more agreeable I try to be.

Being honest with my true feelings and opinions is a difficult thing for me. I want peace over pain, even if that pain is healthy friction of two or more opposing viewpoints.

Avoiding confrontation must be a self-preserving technique. I think it’s so my feelings aren’t hurt when I can’t win an argument, and so I don’t let any emotions get out of hand.

Fear Is a Liar

I’m afraid of my feelings getting hurt, my pride being wounded, being proven wrong. I figure — for what? I would rather deny my true feelings and “stuff it down” as my brother jokes, and not risk being wrong. Those sound like good reasons to avoid conflict to me.

However, when I’m afraid to fight the battles worth fighting, I think that assertiveness runs away and hides. I lose that ability to practice a firm stance to posture my argument and think critically for myself.

That disposes me to lose respect from the other party, lie about how I truly feel/think, and lets that other party’s opinion dominate. I then think of them higher than myself, which is a form of self-sabotage and self-deprecation.

Next Time, Do Something

Someday, and sooner than later, I will have a differing opinion and face conflict and have the possibility of confrontation hanging in front of me.

I will need to face that.

I need to practice and role-play saying, “I don’t see it that way.”

I need to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable. I will need to speak up for myself. I will need to tell the kooky photographer “You’re weird. Can you please stop?” and save my family portraits.

I will need to put on my big girl pants and stop someone in their tracks.

I will need to. I will do it.